Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Crawling Back Out From Under The Rock

Well, I'm back. I'm not really sure if I should be stealing the last sentence from Tolkein's seminal work to announce my return to the blogosphere, but then again, why not?

Frequently asked question number one: "Wha' Happened?" (Okay, now I'm stealing one of Fred Willard's lines from "A Mighty Wind". So sue me.)

Answer number one: I, um, uh,'s like this, see. I was walkin' down the street, right? And then these Chinese ninjas and some Al Qaeda guys jumped me and took me hostage, okay? And they held me in a little room at the Waldorf Astoria, uh huh, but when they started arguing over what to do with me, I ducked out by hiding behind the maid as she was vacuuming the main room. Yeah. That's it. And then I walked all the way home from there...while wearing the garb of a Masai Warrior as a disguise (which might explain why I couldn't get anyone to give me a ride - I think the spear was too long to fit in anyone's car). And that's the story.

Real answer number one: The Big Guy was involved in a horrible (yes, I said horrible) crash during a field sprint while riding on Labor Day. I'm just now getting to where I feel like writing again.

Frequently asked question number two: "A Masai Warrior? Don't you think a suit of authentic Samurai armor would have been better?"

Real frequently asked question number two: "Oww. That sounds bad. How did it happen?"

Answer number two: No. It's a well known fact that Chinese ninjas are sworn enemies of the samurai.

Real answer number two: We were racing toward the county line. I was behind Wally (on the right) and Mike P. (on the left). I'd been moving up slightly, but knew I was beat, so I was just getting ready to shut it down. That's when somebody bumped me on my left, I got pushed over and hit Wally's rear wheel with my front wheel before I could recover, and down I went - very hard and at high speed. Allen also went down (I think he got taken down by my bike) and we both ended up sliding down the road and into the ditch.

Frequently asked question number three: "Geez, that sounds bad. What was the damage?"

Answer number three: Broken right shift/brake lever, bent handlebar, banged up saddle, front wheel slightly bent, and I may need to replace the fork.

Supplement to frequently asked question number three: "Um, I actually was asking about you, not the bike."

Supplement to answer number three: Oh, right. Well, Allen ended up with some nasty road rash on his right knee. I, on the other hand, scraped up my shins, had three major abrasions on my right knee, had a scrape on my right thigh, another scrape on my right hip, a major gash on my right elbow that is still slightly scabbed-over, various scrapes on my face, and some more road rash on my right shoulder. Oh, yeah, and I broke both collarbones...again.

Frequently yelled question number four: "BOTH?!?... Geez, what is it with you and your collarbones?!?"

Answer to question number four (usually muttered): Yeah, yeah, I know. But they broke in different places than the old breaks. And it isn't too surprising given the nature of that crash.

Frequently asked question number five: "So, what's the prognosis? Slings on both arms?"

Answer number five: Nope. Surgery. I had an ORIF done on both collarbones on Wednesday, September, um twelfth? No, no, it was the thirteenth.

Frequently asked question number six: "ORIF?"

Answer number six: Yeah, that's "Open Reduction, Internal Fixation." Basically that means they cut me open, realigned the bones, and then screwed plates to them and sewed me back up.

Frequently asked question number seven: "Oww. That must have been awful, eh?"

Answer number seven: No, actually I was happy to have the surgery. It means that the bones are instantly stabilized and I'll recover a lot faster.

Frequently asked question number eight: "So, after surgery, did they have to put you in slings? I mean were you able to, um, er, well..."

Answer number eight: ...go to the bathroom by myself? Yes. Even before the surgery I was able to take care of all aspects of the waste elimination process by myself. Besides, they couldn't sling me. Think about where the straps would have to go. Not really practical.

Frequently asked question number nine: "Are you back to work yet?"

Answer number nine: No. I go back on Tuesday, October 3rd. But I am happy to report that I'm allowed to drive again as of last Friday afternoon's appointment with my ortho-doc.

Frequently asked question number ten: "So, is Mrs. Guy making you sell your bikes?"

Answer number ten: As much as she might be tempted to, I think she realizes that I'd have something major to say about that. She has tried to lay down a new set of rules for me, of which I will likely only listen to one (no more field sprints). Probably.

At this point I usually get tired of all the questions and change the subject to the recent news about spinach or something else of a similar non-bike-related nature.

And with that... exit, stage left.


Mocha said...

Thanks for the heads up! I have missed you and worried about you..... do I sound like a little old grandma?

I'm enormously amused by this post. I mean, I'm a little concerned about your injuries, but I'm also amused. Also, you quoted "A Mighty Wind" and it pretty much doesn't get better than a Christopher Guest film.

Ok. Onto the Masai warriors - I almost wrote an entry including a short story I read about them yesterday. How weird is that?

Keep recovering, Guy. Sounds like you really banged up there. I cringed while reading this.

Caffeinated Librarian said...

I am very, very disturbed. Almost speechless in fact. And you really should know better, by your age...

I mean I've look EVERYWHERE - FOTR, TT, and ROTK and I can't find the phrase "Crawling back out from under the rock" anywhere!

Oh, you meant "Well, I'm back" didn't you? Silly old me! Did you draw a deep breath while you said it?

And, as an aside, did I mention that I am glad to hear that you're still alive and with us, not abducted by aliens or any such thing? Well, I am. Like Mocha I was worried about you, but I had a sneaking suspicion that your absence was due to some bike related incident. Please rest and take care of yourself, dude, or we might all have to hop on a plane and join Mrs. Big Guy in flogging you with a wet noodle (or maybe a tire iron would be more effective?).


Caffeinated Librarian said...

And no, the irony of threatening you with physical violence if you don't take good care of yourself isn't lost on me. (Well, okay it was...but it's late so cut me some slack, Jack)